


this adorably heartwarming friendship we have

by alanaheck



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Mental Illness, Pining, a healthy angst-fluff balance, jared alana friendship, jared is gay, jared is jewish, just kids who really care about each other platonically, not romance miss me with that jalana, so is alana, takes place during the connor project
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-05 00:28:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11002155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alanaheck/pseuds/alanaheck
Summary: Alana and Jared both never really had any friends- until they joined the Connor Project.





	1. homework help

Alana Beck sat at her desk, doing extra credit for calculus. Her phone sat on her desk as she filled in the problems with ease. 

 

_Bing!_

 

She jumped as the text notification popped up on her phone. _That was strange,_ she thought to herself. She almost never got texts. She picked up her phone. 

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** henlo alana 

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** hello you STINKY ALANA

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** go eat a college application ugly

 

She frowned at the screen as she tapped out a response.

 

 **Alana Beck:**???

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** hey what r u up 2 

 

 **Alana Beck:** Your grammar needs work.

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** nerd 

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** actually thats kinda why i texted

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** im kinda uhhhhhh failing english and i was wondering if you could like. maybe come over and help???

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** sorry this is kinda weird lmao

 

Alana stared down at the messages. Jared always seemed to view her as a casual friend at best, and an acquaintance at worst. But he was asking her to come to his house, and he seemed kind of... apologetic about it too. It was a little bit awkward, but she liked that he asked for help from her in particular. She replied.

 

 **Alana Beck:** I would love to!!! Could you send me directions to your house?

 

Twenty minutes later, she was sitting in Jared's basement surrounded by papers. 

 

"So Holly latches onto him because she sees herself in him?" he asked.

 

"Yeah, she sees a chance to save someone because she can't save herself. It's supposed to send a message about empathy." An image of Evan Hansen flashed across her mind, but she shook it away. She didn't want to think about that right now.

 

"Got it. It's _deep_." he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

 

"Yeah, I thought so!" 

 

"You know, you don't have to pretend to lose your shit over the book. Ms. Duke isn't here to hear you. You're _fine_."

 

"I genuinely liked it!" 

 

"Sure." He smirked. "So do you think they're gonna fuck or what?"

 

"Who?"

 

"Holly and the guy! I mean, obviously she wants that."

 

"Actually, I sort of viewed her as a lesbian!" Her eyes grew wide. Did she just say that? To Jared, who she barely even knew? "I mean, maybe I'm projecting a little bit." She laughed nervously. "But, you know, speaking from my own experiences, she's definitely into her friend."

 

"You're gay?"

 

"You're not... upset about that are you? Because if you are, than you can forget about getting anymore help in English!" she said, making an attempt at being threatening.

 

 "Dude, what the fuck? I'm not gonna be a dick about it. I'm relieved, to tell you the truth."

 

"Why would you be relieved?"

 

"I was worried that you were gonna think that this was gonna end in us hooking up. Because like, just between you and me, I'm gay too, so I did NOT want to have to go through that shit."

 

"Wait, you are? I thought you went... what about the Israeli girl?"

 

"I lied, okay! Evan was there and I just... I guess I wanted to sound cool. That sounds lame. Don't tell anyone."

 

"No, I totally get it! One time at debate camp, I told this cute girl that I came in first in the finals from the year before, but I only came in second."

 

"I don't think that Evan's cute!" Jared snapped.

 

"I never... I never said that you did?"

 

"Well, I don't."

 

"Um, glad that we cleared that up?"

 

"Hey, didn't you have to be home by ten? Because it's 9:50 now..."

 

"Oh shit, you're _right_!" Alana hurriedly organized her papers. 

 

"Wow, you actually swore!" Jared gasped sarcastically. "Is the world ending? Are you going to drop all your extracurriculars? Am I gonna wake up and want to fuck Zoe Murphy?"

 

She didn't register the insult. "Thanks for having me over! And by the way, if you're ever in need of extra credit, the GSA is always looking for new members!"

 

"I'd rather tear out my own eyeballs and eat them, sorry! But hey, thanks for the help." A smile spread across his face. "You're pretty good at this."

 

"You're getting better yourself. Listen, I'd love to stay and talk, but I still have work, so I'd better be getting home. See you tomorrow!"

 

"See you." He waved goodbye. 

 

Alana headed home, a smile on her face. She had just hung out at a friend's house for the first time in what felt like forever, and it felt good. She made a mental note to do this again sometime, because all things considered, Jared was good company.


	2. unrequited and undeserving

Jared sat on his bed, idly scrolling through Instagram. Everyone seemed to be having more fun than him.  _There's Martha with her friends watching_ The Princess Bride,  _there's Christine at a play, there's Zoe and Evan at the botanical gardens..._

 

_Wait._

 

_Zoe and Evan are at the botanical gardens?_

 

He inspected the post. It was a candid shot of Evan, taken by Zoe. She had captioned it with a heart.  _Ew._ In the picture, Evan was looking up at a tree. The sun illuminated his hair, his eyes shone, and he had a subtle smile on his face. He looked genuinely happy. It was a beautiful photo.

 

Jared resisted the urge to throw his phone across the room.

 

It was just a stupid picture. Why did he care so much? It didn't mean anything. 

 

...He knew why he cared so much. 

 

Being in love with a straight boy is the worst. Especially if that boy is one of your only friends. It was embarrassing to see him, after all of Jared's fantasies about the two of them, happy together, because there was no chance. It was awkward to express affection, because  _what if he thinks I'm hitting on him? What if he figures it out? What if that ruins everything and I lose him?_ And it hurt like hell when he saw Evan with Zoe, even if they weren't official. He wished he could be less selfish and just be happy for his friend, but he couldn't. And he hated himself for it. 

 

 _Why don't straight people have to deal with this shit?_ It struck Jared as unfair that they could kiss and cuddle with their same-gender friends, but as soon as he gave Evan a compliment, he felt gross and predatory. He wished he knew someone who he could talk to about this but his only real friend was... Evan. Unless... 

 

_Alana Beck!_

 

She was a lesbian! She had told him that yesterday, and she wouldn't get mad if he asked her to hang out two nights in a row like his camp friends probably would. She would probably be glad to be asked, if he knew Alana. And besides, she was pretty easy to talk to. He unlocked his phone and texted her.

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** hey alana are u free

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** i need some Help

 

He assumed that she would think that he meant help with school. His assumption was confirmed when his screen lit up with a response.

 

 **Alana Beck:** Be right over!

 

 **Alana Beck:** I'm giving you a lesson on grammar whether or not it's what you need help with, by the way. :)

 

He laughed. She was such a nerd, but it was kind of growing on him. He messed around on his phone until he heard a knock on the door. 

 

"Coming!" he yelled. Alana stood in the doorway, an eager expression on her face.

 

"I wasn't sure what you needed help with, so I brought textbooks for math, English, history..."

 

"Yeah, thanks, but I don't need any of those. Listen, it's not school that I need help with." he said, steering her to the basement.

 

"Well, what is it? The Connor Project?"

 

"No. Remember yesterday, when we were talking about being gay, and you said I found Evan cute?"

 

"I never said that."

 

"Fine when you _implied_ that I find him cute?"

 

Alana sighed. "Fine, let's say that."

 

"So I called you over here because... there may be a very small and slight chance that I do." 

 

Her eyes widened. "Are you kidding?"

 

Jared laughed weakly. "I wish."

 

"Oh my god, you really aren't! Oh my god, that's adorable!"

 

"Shut up! And stop saying 'oh my god' so much. It's annoying."

 

"Are- are you  _blushing?_ "

 

"I said shut _up_!"

 

"Sorry, sorry. It's just that this is so out of character for you! How long has this gone on for?"

 

Jared pretended to think. "Um... since seventh grade, I think." he said, trying to sound nonchalant. 

 

She burst out laughing. "I can't believe it. You're in love with Evan Hansen!"

 

Under normal circumstances, Jared would have gotten upset. But he had a feeling that Alana had never gotten to tease a friend about a crush before. He had been there. He  _was_ there, if he was being honest. 

 

"Okay, calm down, Spongebob. It's not all good news." 

 

Her laughter suddenly stopped. "What's wrong?"

 

He opened Instagram on his phone and pulled up the image. "Fucking  _Zoe Murphy_ and him were on a date today. At the _botanical gardens._ Isn't that just  _so romantic?_ "

 

Alana inspected the image. "Huh. I wouldn't necessarily interpret this as such."

 

"Really? Because they were alone together and she captioned it with a heart. And it was the glittery heart too! The glittery heart doesn't lie, Alana!"

 

"She could mean that she loves him platonically. If I know Zoe, she's very generous with her emojis. She sent me a kiss emoji once and I was confused for _days_."

 

"That doesn't change the fact that he's, like, in love with her! All I'm hearing is 'Sorry Jared, I'm straight and I'll never love you back, also go fuck yourself, I'm not gonna be friends with some freak who has a crush on me!'" he said, his voice cracking.

 

"Well, there's no need to be dramatic. For all I know, he could be bi or pan. Why don't you just text him and ask?"

 

"I can't just ask him if he likes boys! How would I even start that conversation?" 

 

"I meant if he's dating Zoe."

 

"Oh. Um, yeah, I guess I could do that."

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** hey dude i saw that Pic zoe posted of u

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** so are yall dating or

 

 **Evan Hansen:** Why are you asking? Did she say something?

 

 **Jared Kleinman:** she posted a pic of u on ig and captioned it with a heart

 

 **Evan Hansen:** She did? 

 

 **Evan Hansen:** Thanks for telling me, dude! You really made my evening. :)

 

Jared passed his phone to Alana and groaned. "Why is he even cute over text? It's not fair!" 

 

"Yikes." 

 

"I just don't get it! What..." He suddenly felt tears well up in his eyes.  _Don't you dare cry, don't cry over this stupid crush in front of Alana, stop being such an embarrassing freak because you can't show that it hurts because that's pathetic and you might lose her too because who would willingly choose to be friends with some lovesick loser?_ "Why doesn't he like me?" _God damn it._  "I mean, I know why. Why would he like me? Honestly, why would anyone? I'm mean and insulting and I make his anxiety worse and-"

 

Alana's arms wrapped around him. He melted into her. It felt good to know that someone cared, even if he didn't deserve it.

 

"Don't talk that way about yourself, okay? You've helped so much with the project, you've calmed Evan down from panic attacks, you- you help me feel less lonely sometimes..."

 

"Why are you comforting me? I've never even been nice to you." he said, feeling the tears flow down his face. "You know I don't deserve any of this?" She had no idea about everything he had done. All the fake emails, his shitty comments about Evan's anxiety, how he had profited off Connor's suicide... he was an awful person. He knew it, and he knew that he could never change that. And he knew that someone as good as Alana shouldn't be weighed down with him.

 

"Because you're always nice to me. And because I hate seeing my friend like this. You and I are friends, aren't we?"

 

"Yeah, we are." he said, smiling at her. "Thanks, Alana."  _You know that caring about me is a bad idea,_ he wanted to say.  _You know I'm probably just going to hurt you? You should leave now before I ruin this friendship, like I ruin every friendship I've ever had. I don't want to hurt you. Please just go._

 

"Anytime."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this chapter! Kleinsen is one of my favorite ships and pining Jared is so fun to write (I may be projecting a little bit of my experiences with being gay onto him).
> 
> As always, likes and comments are appreciated!


	3. iced out

Alana excitedly searched the halls for Evan. She had thought of a way to draw more attention to the Connor Project, and she needed to speak to him as soon as possible. She spotted him walking towards the gym and ran up to him.

 

"Evan! Hey, Evan!"

 

"Yeah?" He turned to face her. "Oh... Hi, Alana." She didn't notice the disappointment in his voice. 

 

"So I was up late last night thinking of ways to get the Connor Project more out there, and I realized something. Just having Facebook and Tumblr pages for it isn't enough. I mean, no one uses those anymore! I was thinking that maybe having an official Instagram for it would work? It would really improve publicity." she babbled.

 

"That, um, that sounds like a really good idea. Maybe you could set it up tonight?"

 

"Well, I was hoping that you could help. You  _are_ co-president, after all." 

 

"Sorry, I'm pretty busy this week, with Zoe and all. You know how it is." he said apologetically.

 

"Oh! Um... Okay! Talk later?" 

 

"Yeah, sure." 

 

She frowned to herself as she walked off. Social cues were never really her thing, but Evan was definitely acting strange, and she was determined to figure out why.

 

 

________________________

 

"...And he was just acting like he couldn't wait to get away from me!" she vented to Jared as they walked home.

 

"Yeah, things are _not_ looking good. What was his excuse for not doing the page?"

 

"He said he was hanging out with Zoe."

 

He winced. "Yikes."

 

"I just don't get it! I mean, doesn't he care about the project? Doesn't he _want_ to help people?"

 

"Hey, can I ask you something?" He didn't wait for a response. "Why does this project mean so much to you?"'

 

"I'm... sorry?"

 

"I mean, you've thrown yourself into this completely. Like, you text me at 3 in the morning with ideas on how to make it more well-known. And I answer, because I'm awful and I don't sleep, but that's my problem. You barely even knew Connor. Why do you treat this project like it's the most important thing in your life?"

 

"Because maybe it is!"

 

The silence was deafening. He looked at her, wordlessly prompting her to continue. 

 

She took a shaky breath. "I got diagnosed with anxiety at age ten. I've never really had anyone that I could call a friend, except you. And I'd- I'd be lying if I said that sometimes, on the really _really_ bad nights, killing myself didn't appeal to me. After Connor died, I kept thinking that that could've been  _me_ that the principal called an assembly about.  _I_ could be the one in that casket. Have you ever felt like that? Because it's absolutely terrifying, and it's even worse if you can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want anyone to have to go through that! When Evan came to me with the idea, I jumped at the chance, because I knew that I might have a shot at saving people like me. And besides, working on this with you and him was the first time I had really felt like a part of something in a long time. The first time ever, if I'm being honest."  _He doesn't care,_ said the all-too-familiar voice in her head.  _You're boring him and you're not as close as you think. He. Doesn't. Care._

Jared exhaled. "Shit, Alana, I never knew that."

 

"I don't tend to tell people. They often tend not to believe me, because I'm high-functioning. My symptoms aren't as apparent as, say. Evan's." She was speaking too formally and she knew it. Tension vibrated through the air.

 

"You'd have to be a huge asshole to not believe someone when they tell you something like that. And like, listen, if it makes you feel any better... You're not the only mentally ill one out of the two of us."

 

"I'm not?"

 

"I'm depressed. Clinically. Fun times!" He grinned bleakly. "Look at how _happy_ we both are!"

 

Alana smiled.  _You were wrong,_ she thought to herself.  _He did care!_ "We're doing amazing!" she yelled. "These eyebags are just  _makeup._ It's the new fashion!" They both burst out laughing. It felt good to laugh, after the heavy tone of the moments before. 

 

"Okay, seriously. We need to figure out what's up with Evan. There's something up with that guy!" she said. 

 

She thought she saw a guilty expression flash over Jared's face, but it was gone as soon as she noticed it. "Yeah, I'll talk to him. Listen, I should be heading home now. See you tomorrow! And _please_ try going to bed before 1 AM tonight."

 

"Same to you. See you soon!" She waved goodbye and headed home, pushing back the nagging feeling that something big was about to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things... are coming. 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated!


	4. confrontation

Being passive was not Alana's style. She was not at all the type to sit back and let everything unfold. She liked to take action. And that was just what she intended to do as she walked to Jared's house. She arrived and knocked on his door. 

 

"Coming!" said his muffled voice. He opened the door. "Alana, we've been over this. From seven to nine in the evening, I watch  _Phineas and Ferb_ while eating ice cream and crying. It's a spiritual experience! It can't be interrupted under any circumstances."

 

"I need to talk to you! It's important."

 

"Well, since you're already here, there's no point in you not saying it."

 

"Zoe Murphy mentioned to me this morning how excited she was to go upstate with her friends this weekend, and that she leaves tonight."

 

"Cool, Zoe knows rich people! Why does that matter?"

 

 " _Because,_ this is the one night where Evan isn't with her!"

 

Jared's expression shifted. "Oh. I get what you're saying."

 

She grinned. "Yeah, so I was thinking, since Evan's free..."

 

"We go over and tell him what a dick he is?" 

 

"Yeah! But, please, not in those exact terms."

 

"You're no fun sometimes, you know that?"

 

They made their way over to Evan's house. As they drew near, they saw a woman with a tear-streaked face walking out. As Alana got closer, she could recognize her, but she almost didn't believe it. 

 

"Ms. Hansen?" she said hesitantly. "Are- are you okay?"

 

"Oh." she blinked. "Hello, Alana. Hello, Jared. Are you two here to see Evan? He's sitting on the couch in the living room. You can go right inside."

 

They exchanged a glance. She was being too welcoming and it showed. Something was up.

 

"Um, okay?" said Jared. 

 

"It's nice to see him spending time with someone other than... it's nice to see him spending time with you."

 

"Thank you, ma'am." replied Alana. They walked inside and found Evan where his mom said he would be. He flinched as they entered the room, but relaxed as he saw who it was.

 

"Oh, um, hey guys. What- what are you doing here?"

 

"Why don't you care anymore?" blurted out Alana. Once the words were out of her mouth, she knew that there was no going back. 

 

He froze. "I- I'm..."

 

"You brush me off every time I try to come to you with ideas, you act like you can't wait to get away and like it doesn't even matter to you! I just want to understand why! What made you stop caring?"

 

"You know what I want to know?" Evan sprang to his feet. He seemed more confident and self-assured than Alana had ever seen him. "Why is this project so important to you?" He didn't ask it the way Jared had. Jared genuinely wanted to know, but Evan asked it with a malice that she didn't know was in him. "Do you just want some more extra credit for college? Is _that_ what this was all about?"

 

"Of course not!"

 

"Then why do you care so much?"

 

"Because I know what it feels like! I've thought about what would happen if I just disappeared off the face of the earth, and I've felt like no one would even notice! And no one should feel like that! It's the worst feeling, because you have no one to talk about it to! I joined the Connor Project because I wanted to help kids like me get out of that feeling. And when you spoke at the assembly, I thought to myself,  _there's someone like me. Someone who knows what it feels like. Someone who cares._ But I guess not, huh? I guess that I just shouldn't care about anything!"

 

He looked to Jared, who had sat watching everything unfold. Before Evan could say anything, he spoke. 

 

"Don't say anything, okay? You've pretty much abandoned me for the Murphys. You just treat me like I'm this  _inconvenience_ that you shouldn't have to deal with now that you're have it all, and guess what? It feels pretty fucking awful to know that you're just something to be dealt with!" Jared laughed, but it sounded hollow, like something was missing. "Serves me right for thinking that I could have friends!"

 

He was speechless. 

 

"You're not even going to apologize, are you? The thing is, I'm not even surprised. Fuck you, Evan!" he yelled as they stormed out. "Asshole!"

 

Alama took deep breaths of the cold night air. It helped calm her down and steady her thoughts.

 

"Well." said Jared. "There's no possible way that this night could get any shittier."

 

Suddenly, a ringtone blared from her phone.  _Zoe Murphy Calling_ flashed on her screen. She tapped the icon and answered the call. "Zoe? What's going on?"

 

"Alana, did you hear?" Zoe sounded panicked, like her whole world was crashing down.

 

"Hear what?"

 

"Alana- Evan _lied_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger! I promise, everything will turn out okay in the end
> 
> As always, likes and comments are appreciated! :D


	5. the truth is out

At first, Alana didn't process what had been said to her. "I'm sorry, what?"

 

 _Put it on speaker!_ Jared mouthed to her. She obliged. 

 

"Evan lied." said Zoe Murphy, her voice full of static. "He was never best friends with Connor. They barely even knew each other. He was just using that as a shitty excuse to get closer to me and to finally have a _normal family_." 

 

"But- the emails!"

 

"He got that kid Jared to help him write them." She could tell immediately by the look on his face that she was telling the truth. "The original letter was just an anxiety--help thing that his therapist told him to do. Connor didn't write that. Connor could _never_ write that." Alana let out a barely concealed sob. Zoe's voice softened. "Listen, I'm sorry that you had to find out this way. I just thought that you should know." She hung up.

 

Alana stared at Jared. Jared stared at Alana. The tension was heavy in the air. 

 

 She broke the silence. "Nothing good that happens to me is permanent."

 

"Alana-"

 

She took a deep breath. "I am going to give you one chance to explain yourself. I really, really, want to believe that you're a good person, and I'm going to give you a chance to prove to me that you had some motivation. Okay?"

 

"I fucked up, I know that I did-"

 

"I just want to know _why_." Her voice broke on the last word.

 

"Fine. You want to know why? It's because I saw a way to get closer to Evan, okay!" He threw his hands up. "You got me. I was jealous of Zoe and I saw a way to get him to pay attention to me again. At least, that's what it was at first, but then..." His tone grew more serious. "Then I saw how  _happy_ everyone was. He finally had a stable family. Things haven't been easy at his house since his dad walked out, and I just... I just wanted him to have something that's not completely shitty in his life. And you too, I saw how much the project meant to you, and I knew that it would crush you to not have it. But I guess it's all pointless now! And I know that I was awful. I was no better than Evan! I'm sorry. I know that that means absolutely nothing and that nothing I can say will make this better, but I mean it. I fucked up, and I'm sorry. You don't have to feel pressured to forgive you, because honestly? I wouldn't forgive me either."

 

She looked at him, and suddenly felt like she was looking in a mirror. They handled it differently; Jared was sarcastic and closed off, while Alana was hyper-positive and threw herself into her extracurriculars and schoolwork. But when you came down to it, they were both lonely. Evan was all that he had, and he left him. She had been there time and time again. And yeah, what he did was wrong, but if she was being honest, if you tallied up everything bad that each of them had done, she came out as the far worse person.

 

"I do, though."

 

"You do what?" 

 

"I forgive you."

 

"What? Why? Do you have short term memory loss or something?"

 

"I messed up too! I shared what I thought was Connor's _suicide note_. Explain to me how that isn't wrong! Did you see the things that people were saying about the Murphys? _I_ brought that on them! You might have screwed up, but I did worse. You had your reasons. It was justified! All my reason were self-centered and, and just  _fucked up._ If anything, I don't deserve you. Why wouldn't I forgive you?"

 

"You had good reasons! I'm just some freak with a crush. You have  _actual_ problems. I'm a worse person than you are."

 

"No, you're not."

 

"Yes, I am."

 

"No you're- Listen, we could go on like this forever, so let's make a deal. I'll stop beating myself up over this if you do too. _And_ if we both promise to never,  _ever_ do anything like this ever again. Okay?"

 

Jared sighed. "Okay. Can I add something on to that?"

 

"Go ahead."

 

"Let's never bring this up again. I don't want to think about this until I die at age 27 from like, a gummy vitamin overdose. And maybe not even then."

 

She laughed. "Gladly."  _He's not ready to talk about it,_ she thought to herself.  _That's understandable. I mean after all, neither am I._ "I should be getting home, though. Have a good evening!"

 

"You too!" he said, as they walked in different directions. It was reassuring to know that even if they weren't together physically, he was there for her. And her for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I PROMISE THAT IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING!!! Also sorry that it's been mostly in Alana's PoV, I'll get back to Jared soon.
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated!


	6. closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for a lesbophobic slur. (Yes, I can reclaim it.)

Jared and Alana were walking together. They had just seen a movie ("I just wanted to see _Captain Underpants_ for the nostalgia, I swear!") and were now making their way to her house, talking and laughing together. It was getting to be summer, but it wasn't too humid yet. Everything was nice. Everything was fine. The world seemed to finally be calm. 

 

Which meant that of course Evan Hansen just _had_ to be walking up to them. 

 

He didn't know why it happened, but whenever Jared's life seemed to be going well, Evan appeared and messed it up. Every time, without fail. It was almost spooky. 

 

"Alana." he said in a low voice. "Look."

 

Before she had time to speak, he interrupted. "Hey, um, hey guys." He seemed nervous- well, nervous more than usual. He kept looking around like he was afraid to keep his eyes still, and he was perpetually wiping his hands on his jeans. Jared would be lying if he said that the sight of him didn't still make his heart melt a little bit. Not that he would ever let that show.

 

"Wow, look who finally decided to talk to me after- How long has it been? A month and a half? Two months? I really appreciate it. You care so  _fucking_ much." he said bitterly. _Jesus._   _Can't you just let him speak without being a dick about it?_

 

"What is it, Evan?" asked Alana softly. 

 

"I- I came here to, um, to apologize. The way- the way that I acted, everything I did... I used you two for, for my own personal gain. And that was really, um, really messed up of me. I hurt- I hurt you, and I was too much of a coward to talk to you. But I'm doing it now. I'm so- so sorry for everything that I did."  he said. "You... you don't have to forgive me, but I just- I just want to know if you do."

 

Jared stared at him, and it all came flooding back. All those years of pining and hoping and  _he's so cute when he gets excited, he'd never say a bad word to anyone, he puts up with you despite it all, he cares so much and so deeply and what did you ever do to deserve someone like him in your life?_

 

He looked at Alana. Their conversation didn't need words. 

 

She smiled. "I think we forgive you." she said. "We've all made our mistakes, and it would be fairly hypocritical of me to not let you redeem yourself if you let me. Jared?"

 

"You said you were a coward! Out loud! I can't _not_ forgive you." he laughed. "I mean, what kind of an asshole would that make me?

 

Evan blinked. "You- you don't hate me?"

 

"Nah." He waved his hand, trying to pass it of like it was no big deal. 

 

"Of course not!"

 

Evan's eyes welled up with tears as he wrapped his arms around him. Soon, he felt Alana join in as well. He resisted the urge to make a sarcastic comment.  _Don't ruin this._ It felt good to be held. It made him feel... protected. Warm.  _You sound like such a loser,_ said the ever-present, voice in his head, but he managed to silence it. 

 

Alana broke out of the group. "Well," she said a bit too casually. "I should be going. I need to, um, babysit my younger brother." She smiled, and the glint in her eye filled him with fear. "Also, Jared has something he wants to tell you! Bye!" She ran up the street. 

 

Jared blinked.  _She didn't really just say that, did she?_ "Uh, be right back." he muttered to Evan. He dashed up the street and caught up to her. "Alana." he panted. Running was  _not_ his strong suit.  "Hey, Alana? What the  _fuck_ are you doing?"

 

"What's best for you! Listen, if you don't tell him, we're going to graduate and you're going to be regretful and you're going to be upset at yourself for being too afraid to just go for it. Trust me, I know how you work. And you're my acquain- friend! I don't want to see you like that! I know that you're scared, but you just need a _push,_ " She shoved him. "In the right direction! Now I need to go. Bye!" She walked off. "Good luck!" she yelled over her shoulder. 

 

He sighed. Deep down, he knew that Alana was right. He needed to get over this. He was going to stop being afraid, and take action in his life! He was going to walk right over there and tell him how he felt. This was a great plan.

His mood changed almost immediately as he approached Evan.  _You're not good enough for him, and you know it._ Sometimes, he wished that the constant nagging voice in his head would just disappear.

 

"Hey, um, you said... you said you had to- to tell me something? Did I do something... is something wrong?"  _Fuck, poor Evan._ Jared knew that people with anxiety tended to jump to the worst conclusions, and his friend was no exception. God, b _etween that and the way I reacted, he probably thinks that I want him dead._

 

"Well to start things off, I'm gay." He was stalling, and he knew it. He didn't care that Jared was gay, but he wanted to preserve this friendship for at least a few more seconds.

 

"Oh!" Evan relaxed noticeably. "That's all you wanted to tell me?" He froze. "Not- not that I think it's like unimportant or anything! I mean, I'm- I'm bisexual, I would be the last person to do that, I just thought that it was something- something worse. Sorry, that makes no sense."

 

He blinked. "Dude, you're bi? Wow. Between me, you, and Alana, we're a fucking GSA." Jared laughed, and so did Evan once he realized that it was okay. _I wish that this would last._ "That... wasn't all that I needed to tell you."

do

"What else... what else is there?"

 

Jared tried to steady his breathing. He could feel his heartbeat pounding, so loud that he was certain that Evan could hear it too.  _A_ _m I actually doing this?_ It almost didn't seem real, but he knew that there was no backing out now. "So, I can't believe that I'm actually saying this, but Alana told me that it was the right choice, and you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and trust her, because she's pretty fucking smart. So. Um, I just..."  _I can't do this. I'm going to ruin this friendship and make him uncomfortable and lose him after I just got him back and I CAN'T DO THIS._

 

"You just what?" asked Evan gently. 

 

 

He thought of how strong Evan was. He faced his fears daily, just by going to school or talking to cashiers or everyday things like that. And Alana, who never even let it show that she was struggling, who put on a brave face everyday and balanced extracurriculars and schoolwork despite her mental illnesses. He wasn't brave. Not like them. He could _never_ be like them.

 

 _Then again, why not?_ If they could deal with all of that without breaking, why couldn't he just tell this boy how he felt? It was scary, sure, but if they could both deal with everything, he could confess his crush. He had dealt with worse, too. This was nothing compared to failing class after class because of executive dysfunction, nothing compared to his constant stream of self-loathing thoughts, and nothing compared to being so desperately lonely that he felt sure that he had done something to drive everyone away. He was scared out of his mind to do this, but he had handled worse. He took a deep breath and ignored the voice in his head.

 

"Okay. Basically, I've been in love with you since seventh grade. And look, I'm not an idiot. I know that there's no way that you would ever like me back, because you love Zoe and I could never even come close to being her, but just so I can get a concrete answer and finally know, is there... is there any chance that you do?"

 

His silence spoke louder than works ever could.  _Why did I do this? Nice going, Jared, you just lost that friendship. Serves you right for thinking that someone would ever like you!_

 

"So you... don't. That's okay. I mean, it was my mistake. I fucked up by putting this all on you at once. I understand if you never want to see me agai-"

 

His last word was cut short by Evan kissing him.

 

His lips were soft and warm. He was soft and warm. The world was soft and warm.  _Evan Hansen is kissing you, that's what's happening. This isn't a nighttime fantasy or a sad daydream, this is the reality that you are living._

 

_This is all that I've ever wanted._

 

Evan broke free. "I'm- I'm so sorry! I should have asked- asked you first, I probably made you uncomfortable..."

 

"You don't need to apologize."

 

"Sorry." His face grew pink. "I mean-"

 

"Seriously, don't worry. It was- it was nice." He smiled. "Can I ask you something though? What about Zoe?"

 

Evan's expression changed, and Jared immediately regretted asking. "She um- we broke up. After I lied about- about Connor she decided... she didn't want to be with me anymore."

 

He exhaled. "Shit, dude. I'm really sorry to hear that." 

 

"Actually? It's not as bad as I was expecting. I mean, like, I don't think I like her anymore. I think- I think that I like you."

 

_I think that I like you._

 

The quiet that followed was awkward, but the good kind of awkward. The kind that said  _I like you, you like me, this is the beginning of something good and we're both a little bit afraid but we're going to go for it anyways, because we both believe that it's worth it. That we're worth it._ Of course, being the awkward loser that he is, Jared broke the silence. "Well, I should be going. If memory serves, Alana's brother is already in college, so that means that there's about a 90% chance that she's standing around the corner waiting for me to tell her how it went. But hey, let's do this again sometime!"

 

"Does- does tomorrow at six work for you? To do this again, I mean."

 

"Are you asking me out, Hansen? Because if so, I accept. Where do you wanna go?"

 

"I was thinking maybe- maybe this place, it's in a national park, I learned about it over the summer, and they have places to sit and eat- I would bring food, of course- and it's really pretty there, they have trees and it's right by a river... Does that- does that sound good?"

 

 _Evan and his trees._ "That sounds great. So... see you then?"

 

"Yeah! I'll- I'll see you!" He walked off. Jared turned the corner and found Alana right where he knew she would be.

 

"Your face is _very_ red." He punched her in the arm. "Ow!"

 

"You deserve it, after what you put me through!"

 

Alana grinned. "Speaking of which... how did it go?"

 

"Okay, first off, if you ever do something like that again, I'm going to rip up all your extra credit assignments."

 

She wasn't fazed. "And second?"

 

"Not so fast, Alana. I'll tell you when get to your house."

 

"You just want to see me suffer, don't you?"

 

He grinned. "What _ever_ gave you that idea?"

 

_________________________________________

 

They were sitting in Alana's basement. She sat neatly on a chair, and he was sprawled across the couch. 

 

"...So when you left, I told him that I was gay, right? And get this. He's bi! And so I'm thinking to myself, hey, maybe there's hope! So I start to tell him, but halfway through, I start to panic. Because I'm looking at him, and I'm thinking that he's just too good for me and that I'm embarrassing myself and ruining a perfectly good friendship. But then I realize that I just need to get it over with, because he's sitting there waiting for a response and his anxiety is probably going crazy. So I suck it up and tell him, at at first, he doesn't respond, right? In retrospect, he was probably just processing what I had said, but it made me think that my worries were right. But then, while I'm asking if we can still be friends, something... happens."

 

Her eyes were wide. "What happened?" 

 

"You know, maybe I should be heading home. It's getting pretty late."

 

"Jared Kleinman, if you don't tell me-"

 

"Fine, fine. Do you really want to know?"

 

" _Yes_. Please."

 

"He kissed me!"

 

Alana blinked. "You're joking."

 

"I can't make this stuff up."

 

"You're not joking! Oh my god, this is amazing! I'm so happy for you two! Wait." She stopped, frowning. "He's not cheating on Zoe with you, is he?"

 

"Are- are you asking if I'm Evan's  _side ho?"_

 

"Well, I wouldn't phrase it like that. But are you?"

 

"Dude, come on. It's Evan. Zoe broke up with him weeks before this. Turns out that lying about being best friends with a girl's dead abusive brother _isn't_ the best way to get in her pants." He shrugged. "Who would have guessed?"

 

"Oh, good! I know that it's irrational, but I was worried about her getting hurt. She really is one of my best acquaintances, and I would hate to see that happen to her."

 

_Acquaintances._

 

"How come you always use that word?"

 

"What word?"

 

"Acquaintance. Why don't you just say friend? It's not like saying that is gonna like, summon Cthulhu or whatever the fuck." He realized as the words left his mouth that this wasn't something to joke about. "Seriously, what's up with that? You nearly called _me_ your acquaintance earlier." 

 

Alana's eyes glazed over. "Every time I have felt close enough to call someone a friend, they've made it clear that they prefer for that term not to be used." Her tone was too robotic, giving away how much this had hurt her. "Whether or not they express it directly doesn't matter. I can always tell. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by forcing them into a friendship that they don't want, so I use the term acquaintance as to avoid that."

 

He thought of all the times that he had seen her before the Connor Project. No matter where she was, the cafeteria, the library, the hallway, one thing remained true. She was always alone. And he remembered each time that he had heard a mean comment about her in the hall _she's a dyke, she tries too hard, she's so weird,_  and had to stop himself from punching the asshole who had said in in the face.  _I don't get it. Alana's so sweet. How could everyone hate her?_ He tried to say all that out loud, but what came out was "So you think that _I'm_ like that?" 

 

Alana's head snapped around to look at him. Her eyes were blazing.  _Fuck. Why did I say that?_ "Well, maybe I do! Maybe when you make those _hilarious_ jokes about how overbearing and lame I am, I think that maybe I am just an annoyance to you!"

 

 "Shit, Alana, I had no idea that you felt like that. I'm really sorry. I don't- I don't want you to feel like that."  _Great apology, Jared._

 

"You don't need to apologize." Her voice grew emotionless again. "It was my fault for overreacting."

 

"No, it wasn't! You're one of my closest friends. You _are_ my closest friend, to tell you the truth. I mean, like, that sounds dumb, but it's true. I don't want you to think that you're annoying. Listen, I don't mean any of those jokes that I make, but I couldn't have expected you to know that. They're a sort of coping mechanism I have so- so that I don't have to admit that I'm lonely, I guess. I was being a dick, and I'm gonna try to work on it. I'll find better ways to deal with it." An uncomfortable feeling washed over him, and he quickly changed the subject. "So... Now that I'm dating Evan, I should probably help find you a girlfriend. I mean, like, I owe you."

 

"Jared-"

 

"Does Zoe Murphy work? You two seem to get along pretty well, and she talks about you sometimes." 

 

"Jared. It's okay to be lonely."

 

He laughed. "Look who's talking, Ms. I-Call-The-Person-Who-Has-Cried-In-Front-Of-Me-Multiple-Times-My-Acquaintance. You can't lecture me about coping weirdly!"

 

"I wasn't lecturing you! But I'll compromise with you. I'll stop calling everyone my acquaintance if you stop turning everything into a joke, and if we both promise to tell each other when we're feeling... like that." She stuck out her hand. "Deal?"

 

He hesitated for a second, then shook. "Deal." There was a beat of silence. "I wasn't kidding earlier. You really are the only person who's ever seen me cry, outside of like, my parents."

 

She smiled slightly. "No kidding?"

 

"No kidding."

 

"Well I suppose that you'll eventually cry in front of Evan, since you're basically in love now. Is there anything new with that?"

 

He pointed at her. "I saw that! You changed the subject!" 

 

She put her hands up mock-defensively. "Hey, I'm just curious! I _am_ your closest friend, after all."

 

"Well, if you must know, he asked me out on a date tomorrow."

 

"Nice! Where's he taking you?"

 

"Uh, this place in a national park."

 

Her eyes grew wide. "A national park? Wow, for Evan, that's like proposing!"

 

"You think? Because honestly, I'm kind of nervous. I mean, lying about liking someone to not hurt their feelings is definitely something he would do. Especially if that someone had recently appeared on his doorstep in a fragile emotional state, yelling at him for leaving them behind. Just saying."

 

She patted his shoulder awkwardly. "Don't worry about it. Everyone gets scared before their first date. Honestly, I think that one bonus of dating Evan is that you always know that he's more nervous than you are!"

 

He frowned. "You know, that's actually a pretty good point. You think I should buy him flowers?"

 

"Definitely! You know that boy and plants."

 

They stayed like that for the rest of the evening. It felt good to just sit and chat, with nothing heavy and no guilt at the back of their minds, after everything that had happened in the past couple of weeks. And as they talked together, something dawned on the both of them.

 

They weren't lonely anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it! Thank you all for your nice comments, they really kept me going throughout this whole process. And shoot me a message @septemberfirst1989 on Tumblr if you want to talk about Dear Evan Hansen or musicals in general!
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> That was my first time writing fic since 2015, sorry if it's not that well done! By the way, if you like Kleinsen, the next chapter is the one for you. Comments and kudos are appreciated! :D


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